Yesterday, I had a call with a colleague and in the course of our discussion I was reminded why one question is so powerful in my work.
Since my move from for-profit to non-profit environs, I first discovered this question and its hidden power four years ago in the office of a senior executive for one of the world’s largest financial institutions. After discussing a possible funding opportunity, I asked him what I thought was a pretty obvious question, one that caused him to slump back in his high leather chair stunned, and after a long pause say… “in my 18 years working with non-profits, no one has ever asked me that before.” Needless to say, I was equally stunned by his response. I also had the strong sensation that I may found an "Rembrandt in a yard sale," in that I have discovered something very valuable that countless people have walked past, discounting its art and value.
A few months later, I was in the office of a corporate vice-president and in the course of our meeting about a potential partnership, I again asked this question and again, I stunned another business veteran. He uttered the exact same phrase word for word… “no one has ever asked me that before.” At this point, I knew I was onto something important.
A year later, during a business dinner with a senior executive of a consumer goods company, I asked him the question and after a pregnant pause, responded,“no one has ever asked me that before.” Hat trick!
And, yesterday afternoon, on call with a colleague in another department, whose services I will likely need in the coming months, I asked her ‘the question” and she said…. Yep, you guessed it… “no one has ever asked me that before…” Of all the people, it was her response that surprised me the most. I would have thought/hoped that “the question” would not have been a first for her.
It is still strange to me that I asked the question at four key times and all four people responded word-for-word the exact same way - “no one has ever asked me that before…”
At this point, I obviously need to reveal the question that has stunned so many season professionals. Interestingly, most of us have hear it many times each day, but in different contexts with different intentions - “…how can I help you? Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s that simple – “How can I help you?” Of course, I don’t mean it a “Subway” fashion… welcome to subway, how can I help you? I mean it in a pledge with the subtext - I know you have needs and goals and in the spirit of good partnership, I want you to meet those needs and achieve those goals, so how can I help you?
Is it revolutionary? no… Is it rare? Apparently… Is it powerful? In my experience, yes.
I have cut my professional career out of building partnerships and curiously the question was not as "stun producing" in the private sector as it has been in the non-profit sector. I can only speculate why that may be and don't want to explore that here. However, assuming that I am right, it makes this a particular important point for social entrepreneurs and non-profiteers to reflect on and consider. And, even the question was not so rare and piercing, I would still ask it, because it is important to me. Here's why:
1. In the spirit of Christ’s teachings, “do unto to others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31).” If I want to build a partnership with a company, a team or a person, I believe that it is best done by first modeling partnership through actual service.
2. Every good partnership is based on joint-equity, so if I am not pursuing shared value on behalf of my partner, then I am not a good partner and I will not be helping to build a good partnership, so a good partnership will not be built.
3. Good partnerships are built on shared value and shared sacrifice, among other thing. By helping others, ideally first, you begin by making a personal investment in the partnership, which will lead to a greater commitment to- and appreciation for the relationship through good times and more importantly bad.
4. All relationships are tough, because we all carry the scars from bad ones, making us cynical and defensive. By serving first, you disarm people’s concerns, because you have lead with vulnerability by your trust in their hands without asking them for anything in return.
5. Talk is cheap, so walk the talk - It will set you apart. It shows you’re serious. Unfortunately, a good number of people are selfish and self-centered – basically, they’re takers. If you give or at least offer to give before asking to take, then you have demonstrated that you are not a taker, but a true partner, a partner that can be trusted.
Lastly, let me underscore that this question is not a trick or a technique, but it’s an approach. It’s an approach to good partnership and being a trusted counterpart. If I am good partner to others and help them meet their needs, then I believe that they will likely reciprocate and be a good partner to me and, in turn, help me my needs and goals. And in my experience, I have and they do.
It’s important to note I don’t take this approach with everyone as I curate my relationships and potential partnerships. Since most people are takers, most relationships and business activities are transactional. Therefore, partnerships are somewhat rare due to all that they entail and require, but when they are right, there is no better investment.
Does this approach always work and have happy endings? No, but if employed right, it produces vastly more successes than failures. I have been blessed to build some seriously big partnerships and I don’t believe that I could have ever done so without this “how can I help you” approach.
Please know it is a “step approach” and an “all in at once” approach. If you serve them and they don’t reciprocate with the same partnership spirit, then you have efficiently identified them as a poor investment, helping you to allocate your resources better. In short, it helps you succeed big and fail fast.
Presently, I am fortunate to enjoy a considerable amount of success in my work. I can’t help but believe it is in part because I offer to give before taking, while many of my competitors are only interested in the taking. Hopefully, I will someday soon have to work even harder and be even better, because more people are practicing a give first and then take second approach, making it more common and less distinctive.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
Since my move from for-profit to non-profit environs, I first discovered this question and its hidden power four years ago in the office of a senior executive for one of the world’s largest financial institutions. After discussing a possible funding opportunity, I asked him what I thought was a pretty obvious question, one that caused him to slump back in his high leather chair stunned, and after a long pause say… “in my 18 years working with non-profits, no one has ever asked me that before.” Needless to say, I was equally stunned by his response. I also had the strong sensation that I may found an "Rembrandt in a yard sale," in that I have discovered something very valuable that countless people have walked past, discounting its art and value.
A few months later, I was in the office of a corporate vice-president and in the course of our meeting about a potential partnership, I again asked this question and again, I stunned another business veteran. He uttered the exact same phrase word for word… “no one has ever asked me that before.” At this point, I knew I was onto something important.
A year later, during a business dinner with a senior executive of a consumer goods company, I asked him the question and after a pregnant pause, responded,“no one has ever asked me that before.” Hat trick!
And, yesterday afternoon, on call with a colleague in another department, whose services I will likely need in the coming months, I asked her ‘the question” and she said…. Yep, you guessed it… “no one has ever asked me that before…” Of all the people, it was her response that surprised me the most. I would have thought/hoped that “the question” would not have been a first for her.
It is still strange to me that I asked the question at four key times and all four people responded word-for-word the exact same way - “no one has ever asked me that before…”
At this point, I obviously need to reveal the question that has stunned so many season professionals. Interestingly, most of us have hear it many times each day, but in different contexts with different intentions - “…how can I help you? Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s that simple – “How can I help you?” Of course, I don’t mean it a “Subway” fashion… welcome to subway, how can I help you? I mean it in a pledge with the subtext - I know you have needs and goals and in the spirit of good partnership, I want you to meet those needs and achieve those goals, so how can I help you?
Is it revolutionary? no… Is it rare? Apparently… Is it powerful? In my experience, yes.
I have cut my professional career out of building partnerships and curiously the question was not as "stun producing" in the private sector as it has been in the non-profit sector. I can only speculate why that may be and don't want to explore that here. However, assuming that I am right, it makes this a particular important point for social entrepreneurs and non-profiteers to reflect on and consider. And, even the question was not so rare and piercing, I would still ask it, because it is important to me. Here's why:
1. In the spirit of Christ’s teachings, “do unto to others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31).” If I want to build a partnership with a company, a team or a person, I believe that it is best done by first modeling partnership through actual service.
2. Every good partnership is based on joint-equity, so if I am not pursuing shared value on behalf of my partner, then I am not a good partner and I will not be helping to build a good partnership, so a good partnership will not be built.
3. Good partnerships are built on shared value and shared sacrifice, among other thing. By helping others, ideally first, you begin by making a personal investment in the partnership, which will lead to a greater commitment to- and appreciation for the relationship through good times and more importantly bad.
4. All relationships are tough, because we all carry the scars from bad ones, making us cynical and defensive. By serving first, you disarm people’s concerns, because you have lead with vulnerability by your trust in their hands without asking them for anything in return.
5. Talk is cheap, so walk the talk - It will set you apart. It shows you’re serious. Unfortunately, a good number of people are selfish and self-centered – basically, they’re takers. If you give or at least offer to give before asking to take, then you have demonstrated that you are not a taker, but a true partner, a partner that can be trusted.
Lastly, let me underscore that this question is not a trick or a technique, but it’s an approach. It’s an approach to good partnership and being a trusted counterpart. If I am good partner to others and help them meet their needs, then I believe that they will likely reciprocate and be a good partner to me and, in turn, help me my needs and goals. And in my experience, I have and they do.
It’s important to note I don’t take this approach with everyone as I curate my relationships and potential partnerships. Since most people are takers, most relationships and business activities are transactional. Therefore, partnerships are somewhat rare due to all that they entail and require, but when they are right, there is no better investment.
Does this approach always work and have happy endings? No, but if employed right, it produces vastly more successes than failures. I have been blessed to build some seriously big partnerships and I don’t believe that I could have ever done so without this “how can I help you” approach.
Please know it is a “step approach” and an “all in at once” approach. If you serve them and they don’t reciprocate with the same partnership spirit, then you have efficiently identified them as a poor investment, helping you to allocate your resources better. In short, it helps you succeed big and fail fast.
Presently, I am fortunate to enjoy a considerable amount of success in my work. I can’t help but believe it is in part because I offer to give before taking, while many of my competitors are only interested in the taking. Hopefully, I will someday soon have to work even harder and be even better, because more people are practicing a give first and then take second approach, making it more common and less distinctive.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
kdk
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